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Somewhere out there in the Sunset a new black comforter is the backdrop for a very white man... If I roll him up in it, he could be sushi! |
Trying to guide the shame spiral down the bathtub drain. |
Someone's shampoo smells like my childhood... thanks for bringing up all those painful memories, friend. |
Realized wrapping Pillsbury Croissant dough around anything in your fridge tastes amazing! Of course, I did get that from my recipe bong. |
Remembering why I hate Kale. |
Getting front row tickets to the theater of my imagination. Where I'm always a VIP customer. And everything is free. Even the strippers. |
Just discovered I lost my blackberry! Considering the fact that I recently found my camera in my laundry basket, I'm gonna clean my fridge. |
Vacuum Cleaner, Straw, Dust Buster, Plunger, Girl, Lollipop, Baby Bottle, Milking Machine, Leech, Mosquito, Vampire = Things that Suck |
Adding a business card to the "married men" stack. I'm going to bring them with me when I go to heaven. |
...I think about that sometimes as I reach for the pliers to pull up the zipper on my fat jeans. |
I swore I wasn't going to let myself go, but 6 hours into being unemployed and I had no pants on and clutched a ladle full of frosting. |
Nobody wants me to be blonde. But I like to go my own way - you know, like the Dodo. |
The crosswalk voice is broken and just repeats "Please! Please! Please!" It makes me wonder if robots have feelings like rocks and trees do. |
I've been propositioned more times at the Genius Bar than any other bar in town. |
Well now there's a lot of extra real estate in your intestines to fill. |
Hipsters are the new locusts! Especially if you're a lonely 2 out of 1O sports fan. |
I just pulled out a Sly & the Family Stone record I haven't listened to since I was 24 and there was a little bit of cocaine on the edge of ... |
A used phone charger...the gift that keeps on giving. |
Eating reduced fat triscuits and watching my flowers slowly die. It's a lot less melancholly than it sounds. And a lot more sexy. |
There are motorized rotating Easter lollipops available for lazy children, but Jesus says no comfort during lent. Sorry, fatties. |
