fireland
e s k i m o
| fireland My therapist says I can no longer refer to what Daddy did to me as "smurfing." |
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| fireland Yes the sunrise is beautiful but it's time to put your lederhosen back on and get the hell off my Slip 'n Slide. You knew what this was. |
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| fireland Going to a bat mitzvah so I put on my old Hammer pants. But they're sort of snug in the crotch now? Should I maybe go to the emergency room? |
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| fireland I never should've mentioned my high school on Facebook. Surely there's a statute of limitations on paying for abortions? |
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| fireland Perfect day to take the kids to the park, throw the frisbee around, have a beer, wander off, move to a different state, never call. |
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| fireland Staging a coup over here today: http://dooce.com/ |
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| fireland Tore shit up at the baby shower, as per usual. Rode the crazy train to Boone's Farm and deflowered that Diaper Genie in the worst way. |
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| fireland Where I come from, ass cleavage is still cleavage and should be celebrated. PS where I come from is the crawl space under my Nana’s shack. |
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| fireland More like a moonless winter night on Cannery Row than a fresh spring day. Thanks for nothing, Massengill. |
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| fireland Just downed two communion wafers with a jigger of Early Times but I still feel bad about what I did to that dog. |
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| fireland 1) Raised by Whores in Kmart. 2) A Fight to the Finish. 3) Life in a Bathysphere. 4) "Mother?" 5) Escape from Siberia! 6) The End, Or Is It. |
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| fireland Epitaph Idea No. 19: "I'll stab you to death with a screwdriver before I let you have custody of our children? That's what SHE said lol" |
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| fireland Just sneezed and a wad of Skoal flew out. That's not even my brand! Gotta lay some ground rules before the next makeout session with Sajak. |
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| fireland Had to help my brother move yesterday. Bleh, the WORST. Thanks for ruining my Sunday, Lou Gehrig's Disease!!! |
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| fireland At this point I just focus on the nice things people say about my package and tune out the "on Opposite Day" part. |
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| fireland I asked the gal at Pizza Hut why there ain't no brothers up on the wall. She asked if I wanted the cheese-embedded crust. I said I did. |
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| fireland Dating Rule No. 14: If she doesn't nod approvingly at my lucky machete and LIVESTRONG cock ring, then it's dutch city, sweetheart. |
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| fireland Anyone know of a good waterproof, hypoallergenic foundation? Getting baptized tomorrow and I need to cover up the track marks under my eyes. |
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| fireland That was more than just a leg-hump. Your dog made gentle love to my leg, then grew cold and distant, then cheated on it with my other leg. |
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