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I better tweet for fear that mikesch is talking about me. Dear readers from the future: this makes no sense out of context. |
It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I experience momentary panic when I happen to glance at the clock just as all the hands are aligned. |
Pain seems to be a value relative to age and distributed slightly differently each day. |
I found myself wondering when the last time I showered was. Fine, except I JUST took a shower moments before... still dripping, even. Odd. |
What's the deal with Rolling Rock not getting me buzzed? The bottles are like bullets bouncing off of Superman's chest. |
Is it weird that one side of my body is getting fatter than the other? |
A party last night and then family functions throughout today. The muscles in my cheeks hurt from all the smiling :| |
Remember that Christmas Story scene when Ralph drops the F-bomb? I just did that after realizing I'm too drunk to drive and have no sweets. |
For posterity while urban dictionary reviews my submission, I coined the term "manitize." This thing has a timestamp, right? |
pizza mouth-burn for the 83274687345th time in my life. |
It's midnight. I'm strongly considering making pasta. Yay single. |
For several days, I've had an itch I can't seem to locate. Driving me mad. I BELIEVE IT'S INSIDE MY BODY! |
Mmmmm. Toasted almond bar. OR TWO DO NOT JUDGE |
I can't explain scientifically how it works, but my hairs naturally fall into perfect formation on days where I have nothing scheduled. |
What are the best colors for police cars? Well, the answer isn't black and white. Bwahaha. Okay. |
Using the oven. Smoke! For a minute, I was worried about the detectors going off... then I remembered there are no batteries. Safety first! |
When you actively avoid salt, effects are amplified when you (inevitably) make contact. You can detect its presence from across the room. |
Hide my receding hairline or embrace it? I don't recognize my reflection at first. By the time I'm done peeing (in the sink) I've adjusted. |
Yard garden complete! It was a disaster. I think I just evicted 1000 animals. |
My ability to create an impromptu pasta dish out of seemingly nothing is unsurpassed. It's life sustaining at this point. |
